Malmaison - The Reply - THUMBS DOWN!

We spoke to a manager called Julie(She didn't like me very much AT ALL) today and she didn't want to comment so we sent her an email with some of the info from the review to pass on to her General manager, below is the email


A review has been carried out on your hotel, this review will be published on a new site which is putting the customer service back into the hands of the customer. It is giving a voice for those who feel speechless and its aim is to urge service providers to increase thier level of customer service and to give satisfaction to the every day user. We are giving you the chance to respond to some of the negative comments in the review, which are outlined below. The websites aim is not to slander or inslut anyone but to but a comedic spin on the fact things are plainly not up to scratch, we hope you can provide us with some positve comments

The worst part of this whole experience was the bathroom, superficially clean and obviously not scrubbed like you would expect, I have this trick, fill the bath with body lotion and water, and let it settle, all the dust and dirt will cling to it and you'll see how unclean it really is.. I cleaned the bath but unfortunately not enough, my partner; the non moaning half of me has got a serve case of fungus on his feet and is currently on medication to get rid of it. He actually got an infected foot and had to visit the doctor because it started to spread. (He is actually taking antibiotics and the doctors tells me he should make a full recovery) Can you spell disgusting, I can and I'll give you a hint, it starts with an M and ends with almaison

Would you care to comment on this?

Shortly afterwards the Duty manager arrived to fix my TV (joy! as deal or no deal was going to start any minute) and after fiddling with the TV's fitting and huffing and puffing the like the big bad wolf, he decided that turning it on and off would work, and unfortunately for me, it did. I have to say I think I went a bit red, but I was willing to admit defeat and apologised to which he replied "A simple on and off usually solves problem" and you know what, I didn't like his tone (surprise surprise says you) Note to you Mr manager type person. NOT COOL! If my tap won't turn on, I expect you to arrive with a smile on your face and a wrench in your hand, one preferably NOT to hit me with. Service with a smile seems not to have hit Malmasion yet!

Would you care to comment on this?


My arrival at the fourth floor was good, it seemed cleaner up higher, and I was confident; I was ready to really start enjoying my break and even agreed that if the next two days went ok, I'd give a good review! Again. Hell was I wrong. She placed us beside another stairwell and a gym, or at least what they call a gym. I'm not really sure a set of weights and a treadmill or two classes as a gym, more like a window display in Argos, but hey, I'm not a fitness expect, needless to say they would generate noise and considering the reason I had a room change I taught this was just, well fecking dim!

this was in reference to a room change because of noise but was acutaly put in a noisier area of the hotel, comment please.

You also recieved only 2 out of ten in their rating factor, do you care to comment on this?

We look forward to hearing from you, and if we don't, the review will be posted and an email will be sent to you with the relevant website address where you can review the review, we can however say that at that time we may not be able to facilitate adding of comments as other reviews will be taking place, and must take priority.

The reply we recieved from the Malmaison after giving them every oppurtunity to redeem themselves is below

Thank you for this information. Malmaison do not wish to comment.

Now I'm even more let down and if I didn't already think there score was low enough I'd lower it! Comments please


image from: http://images.jupiterimages.com/common/detail/10/69/22256910.jpg

Malmaison Hotel - Belfast Jan 2008

On Thursday the 3rd of Jan, I ran (rhyming already) to catch the train to the historic city of Belfast, my aim was to review the 5 star boutique style hotel that is Malmaison or "Mal Life" as they call it (in fact it was hard to pick up a piece of anything that didn't have the tacky “Mal life” plastered all over it) How I wish that instead of only missing the train and having to get the bus, some Devine inspiration spoke to me and said, go home, don't waste your time, stock up on after eights, Ben and jerry's and don't leave your room for 3 days and save yourself a fortune, oh and don’t forget a bottle of Stoli while your at it!

I must say I wasn’t in the best form having to first get the bus up to see the northern lights of Belfast, but to add to the horrific journey which included some very noisy people and about as much room that even Tom Cruise would get claustrophobic, it started to snow, and it snowed hard, the journey took 5 and a half hours to actually get there and I vowed from that moment on, unless I’m researching a unfair coach system, I ain't EVER getting the bus again! All of you who are thinking of writing in to get me to review J.J Kavannagh or some other country bound transport chain can in fact. Get the metaphorical boat right now!

To get down to the real matter at hand, I had booked a relaxing 3 day break in one of Belfasts most "Colourful, vibrant and gloriously tasty" hotels. It being a 5 star, I expected 5 star service, I knew I couldn’t change the thick accent, but I could expect some good times, room service, warm towels and smiling faces, fake, but non the less still smiley, oh the bliss of what money can buy. Hell was I wrong.

Arriving and trying to park was a nightmare, this you could normally blame on traffic or something else but considering there is no parking at the Mal, I feel it’s pretty safe to blame it smack bang on them! But just in case you are thinking of going with your car (why the hell wouldn't you be??) they do "Have a deal with the Hilton for 14 pounds a day" which is only a 10 min walk! (Enjoy that one, we parked illegally and just took the parking ticket.) We checked in and went up the room, the first floor, and pulling our bags along the grubby carpet the first thing I noticed was they had plonked us beside a stairwell and a cleaner’s closet. Let’s focus here for a minute, its January, the place is probably more than half empty and the best you can do is a poky room beside a broom closet! Like really, call me Harry Potter and just be done with it!

The noise started at, oh I’d say 6 am, and I was ready to go out there in my Rupert the bear boxers and scream, but restrained myself for a) utter embarrassment and b) well I have more class than that! It also didn’t help matters the room above clearly had issues with their floor boards, either that or Mary Harney and her entire Kitchen staff had decided to cook her 8 course breakfast first thing in the morning. I decided enough was enough and a room change was needed, which in fairness to them was facilitated. I explained the situation and the super nice red head (probably the only decent thing about the hotel) at reception agreed to “room change” me, as if it was the most regular and natural thing in the world.

My arrival at the fourth floor was good, it seemed cleaner up higher, and I was confident; I was ready to really start enjoying my break and even agreed that if the next two days went ok, I’d give a good review! Again. Hell was I wrong. She placed us beside another stairwell and a gym, or at least what they call a gym. I'm not really sure a set of weights and a treadmill or two classes as a gym more like a window display in Argos, but hey, I’m not a fitness expect, needless to say they would generate noise and considering the reason I had a room change I taught this was just, well fecking thick! Next TV didn’t have any sound (sigh) “Why. Am. I. not. Surprised” so while ordering a BLT from the room service menu I informed them about my room mal (gedddit) function. My food arrived and was delivered by a tall if not slightly dopey looking waiter, who I have to say was extremely polite and even if he wasn't, he was far too big for me to say anything negative about him, the sandwich needless to say was awful.

Shortly afterwards the Duty manager arrived to fix my TV (joy! as deal or no deal was going to start any minute) and after fiddling with the TV's fitting and huffing and puffing the like the big bad wolf, he decided that turning it on and off would work, and unfortunately for me, it did. I have to say I think I went a bit red, but I was willing to admit defeat and apologised to which he replied “A simple on and off usually solves problem” and you know what, I didn't like his tone (surprise surprise says you) Note to you Mr manager type person. NOT COOL! If my tap won’t turn on, I expect you to arrive with a smile on your face and a wrench in your hand, one preferably NOT to hit me with. Service with a smile seems not to have hit Malmasion yet!

Dinner in the hotel was utterly average, desert was totally mediocre and as for the wine, I love a nice chilled bottle of Sancerre, but warm, and at 34.50 pounds it was a total rip off, the meal for two people with only mains, desert and wine was 100 pounds including a tip. That is more of a rip off than going to see I am Legend and realising you’re watching a black version of 28 days later. The waiting staffs were nice but seemed bored and it was so empty we decided to try finish our wine in the room because the atmosphere was more dead than a Dodi (and a Diana, (dodo, no? Ok it was a bad one))

The worst part of this whole experience was the bathroom, superficially clean and obviously not scrubbed like you would expect, I have this trick, fill the bath with body lotion and water, and let it settle, all the dust and dirt will cling to it and you’ll see how unclean it really is.. I cleaned the bath but unfortunately not enough, my partner; the non moaning half of me has got a serve case of fungus on his feet and is currently on medication to get rid of it. He actually got an infected foot and had to visit the doctor because it started to spread. (He is actually taking antibiotics and the doctors tell me he should make a full recovery) Can you spell disgusting, I can and I’ll give you a hint, it starts with an M and ends with almaison

A 3 night’s stay in the "Mal" over Jan came to a very good 75 pounds per night. This Hotel has a beautiful exterior, a Fab interior but it lefts itself down by its appalling hygiene, its staff, its overpriced extra's and most of all its lack of really trying to give you that 5 star boutique hotel experience that you are going there for. Where were my Mal mints? Where was my offer of a Mal morning paper? What the Mal is going on up there!

Malmaison, off this Irish Spy, you get two smiling eyes, that a terrible result out of ten, and I wouldn't even consider visiting you again to give you another chance.

This Irish Spy deffo ain't smiling

JB x

Image from www.malmaison.com